Altered Consciousness series

We contain multitudes and are often affected by raw emotions that we may not always be able to express. For many, the use of psychoactive substances allows them to either enhance or numb the impulses that can sometimes create chaos in their lives. 

In this series I explore what happens when I let those emotions and states of being flow onto the page through the use of a psychoactive substance. For the purpose of this work, I define a psychoactive substance as any substance that alters one’s state of mind. This can include things as benign as the caffeine in coffee, but can encompass harder and more dangerous substances. 

In this particular series, I explore the effect that different strains of marijuana have on my artwork. It is my hope that through this work I can access deeper levels of understanding on the human psyche and, more specifically, my own.

A set of rules must be followed each time:

1- Only one strain can be smoked. Strain names and contents are recorded; artist tries to alternate between energizing and calming strains between works 

    2- The artwork must be finished on the same day

3- No other psychoactive substances must be consumed during the creation of the work until the work is completed (e.g. caffeine, wine, etc.)

4- Non-psychoactive foods and beverages are allowed (e.g. mineral water, chips, etc.)

5- The work can be completed solo, or in company of no more than one or two people

6- If accompanied, that person is responsible for choosing music

7- Music chosen should not be in either extreme of tempo (e.g. heavy metal, lullabies, etc.)

8- The artist (myself) only records the effects on herself, although any company is welcome to record their experience, paint, or do any activity that they see fit that does not interfere with the artist’s work and is not dangerous or reckless in nature

Strain- Larry Bird (hybrid, 17% THC)

Company- 1

Date- 1/28/23

Effect- I wish I could say that I’m experienced at this, but the truth is this is probably only the 4th or 5th time I smoke in my life. A friend has to show me how to prepare a joint and properly light it, since I may have to do this by myself at some point. I mention this for no other reason than to give context to this whole experiment.  I want to know more about what marijuana does for people, and how it can alter my own perceptions when I’m doing something as self-revealing as making art. I’m still not a big, every-day smoker, but exploring the mind is infinitely interesting to me, and I want to know more about my own. 

At first, I think smoking will help me lose my inhibitions in the same way that sometimes alcohol can, that it can help me become a more relaxed, fluid artist. I’m hoping my art will flow with more ease. Instead, it amplifies my thoughts and emotions, and forces me to look them in the eye.

My doubts are coming at me magnified. I’m already self conscious about my artwork, about allowing myself to be seen, and smoking does not spare me from any of these feelings. My mind shouts at me in my own loud, clear voice: “You already used that color!,” “Use blue! Use blue!” “Don’t paint the same thing again! Are you painting the same thing again?!” 

I’m always afraid that my work will become repetitive, or that it will not make any sense. I have to remind myself that whatever happens on the page is what happens, that that’s the whole point of this, but it is very loud in my head right now. 

The work starts to look angry to me, but I don’t remember being angry before I started painting. Maybe it was an anger deep within? 

I get the sense that no matter what strain I smoke, whatever I feel before starting will just be magnified. I think I need to be careful about my state of mind before doing any work.

As I’m getting ready to finish, I look more closely and realize it reminds me of the cartoon character Plankton. My friend thinks I’m crazy, and tries to convince me that it looks nothing like that. We both agree that, at the very least, it does look aggressive. I sincerely don’t know when my strokes took an angry turn. My friend looks at it again. She says, “It’s an aggressive invertebrate…” Yep, that’s it. Aggressive Invertebrate. And now I can relax. 

(This strain had a short-lasting high, and I had to smoke periodically to keep the effect.)

Strain- Oreoz (THC 20% CBD 0%)

Company- 1

Date- 2/4/23

Effect- It is the first time that smoking goes down smoothly, and I'm feeling a little smug. Until, that is, it hits a certain part of my throat, and I start coughing. I am only allowed water until I'm done, and I prefer mineral water. It makes me feel like I'm actually drinking something. 

This strain reaches me fairly quickly and I feel tingly, like my entire body is vibrating. It also feels like the world around me has become smooth, and my body moves almost as if underwater. 

I don't think I make a conscious decision about color. I never make decisions about what I will make until I start, and even then they’re not so much choices as they are conversations with the page, but I have a clear thought that I don't want to repeat red. I also know I don't want to make the same picture over and over again, but I don't want to micromanage myself and the process. It's a subtle dance of making loose decisions and then letting go. That kind of surrender, unfortunately, is not one of my strengths, so I have to remind myself why I'm doing this. I try to form a picture of what there is to gain: a better understanding of myself; discoveries about what is at the bottom of so many layers and screens that I have created for myself. 

Everything seems slow and time feels expanded. I have now been thinking about something for 2 hours, but, on checking the time, I realize it’s only been 10 minutes. I have a deep conversation with my companion only to realize the whole conversation happens in my head. It also feels like I’m in a film: a French film, a film noir, an American indie film. I have been here before, yet I’ve never done this. I tell my friend, who is doing her own work, but she is not in the same film I am. 

I realize my doubts don’t go away with this strain, either. There are many parts and layers to my psyche, and today they each get their own voice. They converse with one another. Sometimes they speak amicably, sometimes they argue, but they do try to get along. There is a peacemaker that keeps them in check. She speaks slowly, softly: “You guuuys, we need to get along…” and everyone listens. I never realized how loud it can get in my head: the judgments, the expectations, the assumptions, the pressure… Today, everyone’s on board, and they all want camaraderie and understanding.

I’m not entirely sure when I decide that I’m done, but I can see how I have flowed onto the page. I finish with some light white highlights. There, I don’t think I can make any more of this work. I’m done. Now pass me the wine.

(This strain had a long-lasting high. I only needed to smoke a couple of times to keep the effect the rest of the time.)

Strain- Jelly Beanz Gelato (THC 17%, CBD 0%)

Company- 2

Date- 2/25/23

Effect- I can’t remember my state of mind on this day prior to starting the work. I know I’ve been struggling with some feelings that I’ve been desperately trying to get rid of, but nothing that might warrant canceling tonight’s art jam (I like being clear headed before I dive into this work). I have two friends with me today, though one of them comes in late, after the artwork has already begun and is under way. I can’t feel the effects of this strain much until I have to go to the kitchen to get some water, and realize I’m talking to myself in what appears to be a Spanish accent that does not belong to me. And then I laugh. Yep, I’m ready.

The conversation in my head is amicable, but intense. I’m not allowing any nonsense from me, and speak to myself in clear unequivocal tones. I’m not letting anything slide, I don’t get to lie to myself about my feelings and actions tonight. I find this funny, too, and start to laugh. I’ve now been responding to myself in Puerto Rican Spanish, and that is hilarious, apparently.

Time seems doubled up, not in speed, but like I’m living two lives simultaneously. Like there are two times, and two realities happening at the same time. I can’t explain it any better than this. Two of each, that’s today’s theme: two lives, two accents, plenty of feelings.

I also feel snacky. Not hungry, but like my mouth needs to chew on something or drink something. I’m looking for soothing, I think. All my emotions seem layered one on top of the other. At other times, I feel spaced out. 

After I’m done, we sit in a circle. This could be an 80’s tableau, if any of us present today had been old enough to sit like this at the time. 

(If I remember correctly, this strain had a mid-lasting high.)

Strain- Lato Pop (indica heavy hybrid?)

Company- 1

Date- 4/15/23

Effect- I like to plan ACS art sessions at least a week in advance. I am, after all, a planner at heart, but today just happens, almost as if green lighted by the universe. I believe in that kind of thing, universal flow, and I’ve been staying away from this series and avoiding smoking for a while now. I’ve not been in the right frame of mind. The heart, you know. It’s always the fucking heart… but a friend calls while I am on the train on my way to the gym, says she wants to come and paint or do whatever. I guess she needs a break, too. I figure I’ve been meditating this week, watching documentaries on meditation, working on myself, willing myself to let go and surrender, so it must be a sign from the universe. I can pick up snacks from the supermarket after hitting the gym. 

On the train I’m seated across the most beautiful blue-eyed man I’ve seen in a while. This has nothing to do with anything other than it puts me in a particular frame of mind. I feel equal parts grateful and envious: I am enjoying looking at him and asking myself why can’t the universe send one of him just for me. Or, failing that, why can’t I be wanted by the one I want, but it doesn’t work that way. Wanting does not make for a love story all by itself, whether it’s a friend or a complete stranger. As I will be reminded, it all starts with hello, and I never say hello. Plus, now I’m objectifying someone, which makes me feel guilty. Focus on the breath, Lourdes, focus on the breath…

My friend arrives around 7 in the evening, and we dive right in.  I’m a few puffs in, and this strain is taking a little while to reach me. The effects come on slowly, at their own pace. They don’t hit with a bang, more like they timidly announce themselves. I feel slightly tingly. Maybe meditating this week and working on myself has had an effect, because the chatter in my head is reasonable: sensible arguments about the self, about giving myself a break –I’m doing the best I can, after all– about identifying patterns that should be obvious on a regular basis (and that’s ok, at least I’m identifying them now). Weed just seems to amplify what was already there. For a little while I’m even a better listener, something I struggle with. Until, that is, I get a bout of verbal diarrhea. Shut up, Lourdes, shut up. 

I alternate between being hyper-focused, and being unfocused or focused on random, seemingly unimportant things.  I’ve got no clue what I’m painting until almost at the end. Is that a bird? It’s a hummingbird. It looks in flight, doesn’t it? My companion agrees. She sees it twice, as a matter of fact. So do I. Am I done now? I think I’m done. Am I done? She agrees, too. I have to stop expecting other people to answer questions for which I already know the answers. I have to stop expecting others to make decisions for me that I do not want to make. But I happen to agree, it’s done, any more and I might just mess it up.

After I’m done painting, I put my materials away. Now that I don't have a particular focus, many of my personal insecurities hit me at once, things that have been on my mind for a while, and want attention. But I don’t have to write those down. Not for this project. For tonight, my work is done.

(This strain had a mid to long-lasting high. As I was hot-boxing it, I had no need to smoke any more than a few puffs in the beginning.)